Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We left an ass print on the piano.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
be right there i have to get my cape
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
