you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
