I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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