i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
