Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
