so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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