tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
