shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
