the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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