Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize