forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
