she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
