I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
