i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize