he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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