At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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