there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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