last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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