I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
