Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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