Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can you bring me the toilet please
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
