i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
