I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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