the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
