My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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