I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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