You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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