Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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