i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I looked at my own cervix.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
