Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
