I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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