Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
