i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
