Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
