We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
