I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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