How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
