My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
