Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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