I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
