I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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