grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
