he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
how does that bad decision feel?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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