when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
