we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
