I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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