I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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