i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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