btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
