Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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