his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
