i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
