also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
