don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
