Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
