Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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