Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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