i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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