Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
