i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
