hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
